Natalie, I liked how you included a lot of details about the
picture like how you described the top corner of the photo. There were a couple
of confusing or wordy sentences that just didn’t make your ideas clear. You
focus a lot on the memories and the event but I think it could be better if you
also added more details relating to our senses. You could add like some very
descriptive details about the setting where it focuses on imagery or any other
sense. When you said that you liked the photo since everyone didn’t look ready
for it, you could explain in detail why you do.
You also add some examples of how your best friends became like sisters
to you like a very touching memory. I think that if you add in some specifics
regarding to the five senses the writing can be a lot more powerful.
Emily
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